Woman Counters Hackers with Face-Transplant Surgery [Satire]

By: Michaeljon Murphy
Director of Communications
Constitution Party of Wisconsin

A Bubble-on-Bee Exclusive

This is my second feature in the vein of the Babylon Bee, using satire to parody things currently in the news.  Hopefully, it gives you a new perspective on the encroachment of technology into our lives.  Picture this article as a news report in the Minneapolis-area media.  Any resemblance to technology companies, daycare operators, etc., real or fictional, is purely intentional.

Just Out of ICU

This reporter met up with Ms. Marietta Mortenson in the St. Joseph’s hospital in Minneapolis, Minnesota, as she recovered from a complicated face transplant surgery.  She has just been moved from the ICU to a standard-care room.  Her bandages have just been removed, and her new face is a bit red and puffy.  A circle of stiches surrounds her face.  It will be another two weeks before the stiches are carefully removed by renowned surgeon Dr. Kilmeade.

Biometrics Are the Most Secure

JesusisGreat7, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons

“I am getting really fed up with these hackers,” Mortenson says.  “I thought biometrics would be the most secure thing until my face got hacked.  How does someone get their face hacked?  It just mystifies me.  I mean it’s my face, not someone else’s . . .  I mean it was my face.”  Here, she attempts a wry smile, but it comes off crooked, as if she is suffering from Bell’s Palsy.  She notices my discomfort, and says, “The physical therapist is going to come twice a day now that I’m in a regular room.  The doctors say my smile will be back eventually.”

“The harder part is going to be getting my new face registered.  I’m going to need to re-register at the airlines.  Almost all the airlines use facial recognition now.  They had better get all of my frequent flyer miles switched to my new face, or I’m going to have the biggest frown you’ve ever seen . . . well, after physical therapy.  Did you know my doctor’s office is now using the same technology as the airports to check me in?  They use Oracle Health.  It’s going to come to your doctor’s office, too, mark my words.  Goodness, they better get all of my EHR records transferred to the new face.  I’m going to need a lot of follow-up care.  People keep telling me that a facial biometric cannot be replaced, but wait until they get hacked.  Then, they’re going to be asking me and Dr. Kilmeade to help them out of their mess!  Apple wouldn’t unlock my old phone for me now that my face doesn’t match.  They made me send my old phone in, and they’ll give me a discount on a new one.  I’m lost without my phone.”  She sighs.

Look on the Bright Side

“I keep telling myself to count my blessings.  Do you know that this surgery is not as bad as when I had my big toe moved to my hand to create a new thumb?”  I shook my head and asked her if that was due to an accident.  “No, I was hacked!” She replies with animation.  “They hacked my thumbprint.  I used to use it to log into my laptop computer until I got hacked.  After that surgery, they had me in a special hospital room heated to 85 degrees for two weeks straight!  They said the high temperature would ensure the right amount of blood flow so that the new thumb would take.  Oh, it was so hot.  I was fanning my face – I mean my old face – constantly.  Funny thing is, my new laptop doesn’t have the thumbprint scanner.  I hate it when they change the technology after you’ve invested so heavily in the old one!”

Santeri Viinamäki, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

“I miss the old days when I could just use a password.  Then I could change my password by adding a number to the end of my old password.  Now that was simple.  Of course, they said it wasn’t secure enough.  Someone could hack a password easily.  The good guys keep increasing the security, but the bad guys keep figuring out ways around it.  I know I need to worry about security.  I wouldn’t be getting a new face if I didn’t know that.  But I would give my right eye to have something simpler.  Of course, then the iris scan at the bank wouldn’t work.  Forget I said that.  Even changing all my credit cards after that identity theft five years ago was a whole lot easier.”

A Spa-Day Coincidence

Avilash behera, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons

She raises herself up in bed and becomes more agitated.  “I’m getting so stressed out by all this.  I need another spa day to help me recharge.  It’s really odd, you know.  I started having all of these problems right after my last spa day.  I’m sure it was just a coincidence.  I love my spa.  It’s run by such a nice Somali man, Mr. Hassen Ben Sobar.  He lets me call him Ben.  He just pampers me.  My favorite scented candle.  Bon-bons.”  She begins to relax just thinking about the luxuriousness.  “He used this special facial that all came off in one big sheet and really felt great.  I joked that it looked like a Halloween mask of myself, and Ben scowled when I said that.  I think he took offense at my levity.  I hope he doesn’t think I was criticizing the facial.  I’d hate to hurt his feelings.  He wouldn’t mistake me for one of those MAGA bullies that hates all Somalis, right?”  I shook my head vigorously to reassure her.  “Dr. Kilmeade says no more facials for quite a while, but at least I could get my nails done.”

“Ben’s lovely wife runs the Learing Center daycare next door.  She is a wonder woman.  She keeps those kids so well-behaved.  Though they say they have more than 20 children there each day, the place is so quiet, you would think there were no kids there at all.”  Again, she attempts a crooked smile.

Finally, a Way Out

“I’m so tired of all these biometric passwords.  I’m excited about the new service I got a call about.  There’s a new company that can give me a sure-fire way to protect my privacy.  All I need to do is send them $450 in Olive Garden gift cards to sign up for their service.  As soon as I get out of here, I’m off to the Garden!”

Listen to this blog post as an audio file below [dramatized].