Dramatic Drop in Drug Crime Recognized [Satire]

By: Michaeljon Murphy
Director of Communications
Constitution Party of Wisconsin

 

 

A Bubble-on-Bee Exclusive

I’m trying out a new feature in the vein of the Babylon Bee, using satire to parody things currently in the news.  Hopefully, it gives you a new perspective on the types of arguments that even those on the right use to justify things they would not normally do.  Perhaps seeing them in a different setting will help.  Picture this article as a news report in the Dallas area media.  Any resemblance to characters, real or fictional, is purely intentional.

The News Conference

Officer Clint Sax was awarded the officer of the year after Dallas saw a dramatic drop in drug crime this year.  The controversial Sax was involved in a record number of use of force incidents, resulting in the death of 27 individuals suspected of dealing drugs.  A press conference was held to announce the honor.  Inspector Callahan of the Dallas Metro Police presented a plaque to Officer Sax and reviewed the crime statistics.

“Drug possession dropped 33% overall, with a nearly 40% drop in possession of hard drugs.  Possession with intent to distribute was down 60%.  Overall crime in all categories was reduced by 13% in the downtown area.  Court caseloads have been reduced.  Places that were once ‘no-go’ neighborhoods are beginning to thrive again, as people feel safe to walk the streets,” said Inspector Callahan.  “We are getting our city back from the thugs who used to run rampant in our communities.”

Fielding Questions

Sax then took questions from the podium.  He exuded confidence as he pointed to reporters eager with their questions.

“You with the thin-blue-line lapel pin,” he said, “who are you with?”

“Revolver news,” said the angular reporter.

“Ooh, I like the sound of that.  What’s your question.”

“Where did you find your inspiration to have such a laser focus on drug crime this year?”

“I was inspired by Mayor Phil Callus, who in one of his campaign speeches, talked about the scourge of drug crime in Dallas, likening drug dealers to terrorists.  Immediately, I knew the mayor must consider this a state of emergency.  I knew that would streamline the legal process, cut out the puss-buckets of red tape, so to speak, and empower me with all the authority I needed to make life and death decisions.”

Pushback

“Mary Ettleman, Dallas Sun”

“Officer Sax, on August 3, you kicked in the front door of a residence in the Maryland Heights neighborhood and shot an unarmed man six times.  Did you have a warrant to enter that home?”

“I think the Dallas Sun is about to set,” sneered Sax.  “You’re about to go to an all-online publication, right?  ‘Cause no one wants to buy your yellow newsprint.”  Pregnant pause.  “I love how you bleeding heart liberals use language.  Maryland Heights man, huh?  That guy was a terrorist.  Had an MS-13 tattoo on his patucas, clearly visible thanks to his baggy jeans.  A residence, huh?  That was a notorious drug house.  Unarmed, you say?  He was in possession of a meth lab.  That’s a weapon of mass destruction. It had enough raw materials from Chi-na,” he stretched the word out for emphasis.  “Enough raw materials from Chi-na, to make enough methamphetamines to kill 1,000 people.  And you forget we are in a state of emergency.  We don’t need no stinkin’ warrants in a state of emergency.”

“Wait, so the mayor declared a state of emergency and the city council authorized it?  I thought you said the mayor only mentioned it in a campaign speech.  That’s not policy.”

“The mayor said it.  The mayor is the chief executive of the city.  He has executive authority.  You’re not very smart.”

“But the rule of law…”

Sax held up his hand, palm side forward.  “You already got your follow-up question.”  He swiveled his head to the other side of the room where every hand was raised like a bunch of eager students.  “Pete Palermo, ABC-6 News.”

PTSD

“Officer Sax.  Is it true that you gunned down a man outside of Nicholson Elementary School in front of children as school was letting out?”

“You don’t know how those low-life scum like to start kids young on a drug habit.  That criminal was giving out ‘free sample’ bags of marijuana to the kids to get them hooked.  I slammed my cruiser into park and unloaded a full magazine into that reprobate.”

“Right in front of an 11-year-old boy.”

“We had that THC lab-tested, Pete.  It was laced with fentanyl.  That 11-year-old boy would be dead right now instead of a hardened criminal.  You love criminals more than kids?”

“There are a dozen students in treatment for PTSD due to what they saw that day.”

“What kind of a sick person would you have to be to want a kid dead rather than in therapy?  I don’t know what’s wrong with you people.  Crime is down in Dallas now.  The streets are safe to walk on.  Look at all the other big cities.  Soft on crime.  No bail.  Crime through the roof.  Overdoses left and right.  Dirtbags get right out of jail and go right back to dealing.  Here they don’t get bail; they get a pine box.  Maybe the 49 people who watch your station worry about the rights of criminals, but the people in the neighborhoods I patrol are thankful.”  He pointed to a man in the front row.  “Joe Blow, CBS-13.”

Boat Not a Safe Space

“What about the drug dealer you tracked down to the marina?  He hid in a boat, and you threw a flash bang into the vessel to flush him out.  That boat sustained $40,000 in damage that has still not been reimbursed by the city.”

“Boy that worked like a charm,” Sax gloated.  “The guy popped up like a prairie dog, and I blew him away like the animal he was.”

“But don’t even criminals deserve due process?  You are acting as officer, judge, and jury and handing out your own death sentences.”

“We got another drug dealer off the streets.  It’s simple.  If you don’t want to get blown up or blown away, don’t deal drugs.  People got to learn these things.  You remember the Dick and Jane books?  This is See spot run simple.”

“So, you’re saying the ends justify the means?”

“I think that means this is where this press conference ends.  You people are hopeless.”

Listen to this blog post as an audio file below [dramatized].